07 January 2005

Making peace with self

I was asked to lead a home group recently and I said yes, almost without thinking. A couple of week's later I did the most difficult thing (for me, at least) - say 'NO'. I probably have enough challenges in terms of 'ministry' but it isn't that.

I need to fiercely guard my core life - having empty space and time to be. Time to come home to self and God. Time to live in the moment - aware and mindful of the present moment. Being holy as God is holy, being peace.

The larger world is my true ministry. To give of myself to all the world and also be enriched by it. To enter fully into relationship with man and nature. In so doing learning from all the world and recovering my fragmented self.

In order to be PRESENT - to self, others and God - I cannot live in a clutter of commitments and responsibilities. Each task is a voice calling me this way and that (truly like a schizophrenic and his auditory hallucinations.) Tracting to the what if's of the future & ought to's of the past. Anxiety and regret robs us from the joy of the present.

I have damaged myself so horribly in the past by taking on commitments to the max, using every minute to the fullest, driving down life's road like an F1 racer. I have used and abused myself with no regard for my soul & spirit. I have made myself an empty shell of fears, regrets, anxiety, pain and frustration.

I need to make peace with myself.

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