Frankly, I've just come out severe blues. Running a clinic was taking every bit of strength I had and dashing to the office to hide and croak after it. After a week of agonizing under its weight, I thought I was turning the corner until a viral flu hit. The second round I was almost suicidal! The world never seemed so dark, and the slightest effort felt like lifting a truck. Thank God for a weekend in Kuching - a wedding, lotsa friends and their kids, and not to mention, good food! (Teh-C-Special and chopped freshly-roasted lamb are must haves!)
That finally did the trick. No amount of navel-gazing and quiet coffee-binging at Starbucks in KL could do it. Getting away helped me detach and look at life from the outside for a sec. With the escape, I guess I was 'freed' to come to the point of 'enough is enough, I'm not going to let this ruin my life. People in my life are too important to waste life crabbing around.' You could say I emerged from the shroud(the Kalimantan haze, that is), slightly more adjusted in my valuation of what's important.
(Insight more restored, I can see in retrospect that I was headed that way from a long marathon burnout stretch of 6 weeks back-to-back high-stakes, towering-expectations activity - on call, exams, speaking, mercy trip to jungle, on call, speaking, major surgeries, operating back-to-back in 3 different OTs, research. The crazy thing about activity is that it snowballs into more till you're overrun with it out of control. So I've vowed to myself from now till 2007, NO MORE speaking engagements. Perhaps ONE fun trip to the outback to visit my favorite OA families. And then it's Christmas with friends and family. Sanity must be preserved.)
Yesterday was a happy evening, one first after a long time. You kinda appreciate little things like that when the mood-o-meter's been below zero for a long tiem. Friends had come over for a group discussion on Vocation and Life issues around the book 'Courage and Calling.' We shared our stories, prayed for one another, and had a scrumptious meal at a nearby Cafe. Nothing fancy. But just sitting together, sharing a meal, and exchanging light-hearted moments meant a great deal to me. I felt so much more human.
Today, I took my parents out for lunch and a skosh of shopping. It's nice to sit around, have coffee with them, and chat idly about going-ons and other nothing-too-significant things. Just being in the parent-child companionship without any agenda. I want to make the most of the day while it's still bright and before anu dark clouds start rolling in again!
I need no longer scrounge around others' libraries and look longingly at their volumes. I don't have to wait for that once a week visit to a pastor's office to thumb his New Dictionary of Biblical Theology or hang around SU bookstore to get free reads. Now I have it under my fingertips (not at), under, in my laptop.
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