'Call to me and I will answer...'
'Call to me... you do not know.'
These words sank deeply through my callouses and brought out a throbbing cry for help. Buried alive beneath layers of rubble I do not even have words for, is this cry: 'God I need you, I need to feel, and know, and see you again. I want to be alive again, with your life flowing through mine. I am so dead. So cold. Dry bones and lukewarm spit hardly describes how frozen and encased I feel. My spiritual ECG is a flatline.'I have been like the walking dead for so long.
I do not want to spend my life reading news, combing blogs, raking forums. I don't want my life to be about the patients I've seen, the books I've read or movies I've analysed. I don't want to think great thoughts and have deep insights or grand visions. I don't want do more work, or find more rest. No. None of these things make me alive or means I'm living.
I need and only want one thing. God. To have God, to have a vibrant, throbbing, flesh-and-blood real-life journey with God. I audibly groan. I want to break free. Make war against all the false substitutes and self-imposed deceptions about what life is. And put my whole self into the one pursuit I am made for - the pursuit of God.
'Call to me and I will answer you, and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'
Whatever it takes, God. Whatever the price. Anything.. to be alive in Your life again. Swim in your stream, flowing in Your spirit, dying in Your cause. But let it be all about You and me.
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2 comments:
hi YY,
I read this deep engulfed, throbbing cry of yours in total resonance.
In your bursting and burning quest to be alive in God and FOR God,have you paused to slowly digest, that you ARE actually alive IN and FOR Him?
For all those millions of patients that need expert medical diagnosis, superb medical care and seamless surgeries - you ARE His instrument.
Through each and every messages/sermons you delivered, each long conversation you listened and shared with aspiring medical students, each dream you helped to plaster a further brick onward to reality - you ARE being ALIVE for Him. You ARE.
It may not have felt or even feel so in the exact essence that you are seeking and searching for, but in His eyes, you ARE. And that's what matters most, no?
God needs YOU to do His work. You have chosen the ministry in which to serve God in - medical science, and God has respected and honoured you AND equipped you more than sufficiently; with the knowledge, with the admirable skiils (that of a specialist!) and all the tools and instuments needed to do His work, in the field that you had made a personal choice to serve in.
Hence, be still and know that you ARE ALIVE in Him, and for Him in this ministry. You don't need further acknowledgement nor secular acceptance to stamp its approval to substantiate and validate your spirit and the essence of the "alive-ness" (if there's such a word) that you are directionlessly seeking and scouting for.
You may NOT see it, or even so much as FEEL it (sorry for rehashing), but all these are niffty trivialities. What's of absolute fundamental substance here is - He IS using you - to reach out to heal the sick, feed the poor, teach those who are hungry for the same knowledge, and most importantly, encourage those who are faltering in their steps, so that THEY could in turn go out in the field and be an extension of His Hands.
If God chooses to perform surgeries through His invisible Hands, and there HAVE been multiple cases of such testimonies, it's His prerogative.
Until then, if He so chooses surgeons, specialists and other medical experts, lecturers or cell group counsellors to undertake these responsibilities in the meantime, then let the work be done and the Glory be due to Him.
After the Potter had finished moulding the clay into a vase, the Potter placed the vase on his personal shelf. Whenever a guest comes round for a visit, the Potter would mentioned the vase, at times the conversation may not revolved so much about the existence of the vase but more on other elements like clay materials and such.
One day, the vase asked the Potter, "You've created me and made me so valuable that you placed me on the shelf in your personal study. But I still don't feel alive"
The Potter was silent for a while, then replied "How do you want to feel, in order to feel alive? Does being on the shelf in my personal study, makes you feel insignificant? Have I not created you as my masterpiece? Have I not equipped you with the best artwork on your body to reflect my creativity and skills? How then, do you think you can serve me better?"
YY - your turn to provide a reply....
There are and will constantly be times when we question our ultimate purpose and destination.
Along with these incessant question marks, are also the annoying and nagging substance of the journey we make, towards the destination, the mundane but energy-sapping frustration of daily trivialities, which make our walk(or runs) with God, not the way we "deemed" God had intended.
But without all these, the walk (and the occasional runs you make)with Him wouldn't be so meaningful, purposeful and fulfilling. No?
It is bizarrely mind-stumping for the brain to comprehend such but sometimes, God is all-revealing in the simple things. Like whispers in the rustling leaves. Stillness of the air. Sound of the running water.
Most of all, it's in the revelation in our everyday life. Things we do (or don't do, rather), words we say and hands that do His work. Conscious knowing is one thing, revelation deeply embossed in our hearts is quite another substance of essence.
You have encouraged me greatly - beyond words. For all your sharings, my humble and grateful thanks.
Con't in your journey in Him, giving Him glory in all that you are doing, rest in the knowledge that He is in total charge.
God bless
Shereen
Wow. Thank you for your heartfelt response. I receive your blessing, Shereen. To be able to rejoice just in who we are is a great gift I have yet to attain.
Thank you for calling me back to that quest and the simple joy of being.
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