Mary and Martha slugs it out

I see so much of myself in the Martha depicted here – craving for attention, exhausted without it, presenting my best work, vying for merit. And then appaled to have Jesus point a finger at Mary, not in condemnation, but to show me that it is the ‘better way’ Oh man, had I known...

The Mary within continues to wage war with the Martha in me. Or rather my inner Mary continues to be bashed by my type-A, engine-driven Martha, accusing: Why do you sit around and do nothing? What have you achieved today, this week, this month? Are you getting anywhere? How can you be so inactive when there are so many needs around you? Don't just sit there, do something already! With that kind of inner drivenness playing out all day, it's no wonder I exhaust myself so easily. On the other hand, even when I am drained, I do not know how to rest.

I journaled on Saturday:
'If not for the discipline of a weekend review, I won't even have realised how much and why I am in severe unrest and plummetting into unhealthy habits.

Here I am at the end of the week, insomniac and weighed down by false guilt. And I'm not letting up - I still feel like I need to do more, find more to do, feel so unaccomplished...

But look at the week:
- you operated on a mycetoma
- you ran a busy clinic
- you've written 2 chapters of your book
- you've read a few papers
- you met with and counseled 2 people
- you took two bedside teachings
- you ran once in the morning
- traffic has been murderous
- you brought your parents to Serdang

You are so driven and so addicted to the adrenaline, your insight/memory is clouded. All you can feel/see is your need to DO SOMETHING. You are not how many articles you write, how many classes you take, how many poeple you meet, or how much weight you lose. These are the guidelines I use to live a healthy life, but they do not constitute who I am. I am who I am. And God loves me as I am.

If there is a time you need to STOP and DO NOTHING - IT IS NOW!

COME AWAY. STOP FROM YOUR WORK. FIND YOURSELF AND GOD IN YOU.'

Jesus says to the Martha in me: "Yoke Yeow, Yoke Yeow, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Choose what is better, and it will not be taken away from you."

There comes a point every day, and at the end of every week, that I must hear that firm voice and cease. Disengage my gears, detach from the work, and declare a time of Sabbath rest. A time to just BE. Reaffirm I am who I am, apart from and before the work.