The time is now

The time that's lapsed since the last post was the most recent lap of crazy, stress-filled days. What's happened? Let me try and recall... I went to Singapore twice. Once by bus and another time by train. I was sick for three weeks. I got admitted to hospital and discharged for what is until now still a mysterious 'viral illness.' I got better just in time to fly to to Australia and attend a conference. Oh, and lest I forget that 'fly to Australia' is easier said than done, there was the nightmare of cutting through a forest of government red tape to make it to the airport.

But, this time, I can truly, truly say it's OVER. I presented my last paper for the year there. I sat through three full days of heavy molecular talk of which I understood 1% (mostly in the CONCLUSION slides). I caught another flu and coughed my way home. But I'm glad to be home and I'm glad there are NO MORE CONFERENCES. This weekend I'm going to Tasik Chini for some mission work, which is the second trip in 2 months, but I think I'll enjoy this one since I'm not organising it.

The best rest I got the last two months, I have to admit was on the hospital bed. And a few days in Brisbane before the conference. Tonight is a quiet night. It's unbelievable, it's sacred. It's been months and months and months since. Tonight baby is soundly asleep. Joan is studying for a test. And I'm blogging... Who'd have imagined I'd get a chance to blog?!

But hang on a minute. Before I start blaming anyone or sounding like a victim. It's all my own doing. I forget that I'm in control and I decide how I want to live and how I want things to be.
If I want time to rest, I make time to rest. If I want time to read, I make time to read. Why should I have to degenerate into a soul-less surgery-performing, paper-churning, research-designing soul-less machine? For whom? And for what? I decide how.

Today I have a boy who is calling me 'eddieeee'. He's not even seven months, six if you adjust for his premature birth. And Ethan is calling me 'eddieeee.' I have no words for how amazing it is. And it comes at a right time. My boy is calling me into the moment and coming into the present. He's helping me take the leap. Into the moment. I don't want to be so wrapped up in problems and anxieties to lose the full import of this. I want to be able to enjoy and absorb the meaning of what's happening in real time. A child has called me daddy. He is my own and I am his. So pure, so trusting, so effacing in his emotions.

Sigh... Children have everything to teach us, everything that we have unlearnt and buried with layers of skepticisim, pessimism, and realism. Children have everything to teach us and we have everything to relearn.

Burning both ends

Today is perhaps the first time in weeks I've had a real stop & rest. I can't remember the last time I was not under some major pressure or stressful situation.

Not that stress is necessarily bad, I've learnt. Stress makes you grow, learn new skills, recondition the meaning we attach to circumstances. In any case stress is lousy term to use for human beings. Stress is a concept transferred from material physics - a measure of how much pressure a rigid object can withstand before it breaks. We are not rigid objects. We're living beings, and like the tissue we're made of, stretch, grow, remodel, even redifferentiate sometimes to meet the challenge.

I could go back as far as Ethan's birth. The prolonged jaundice. The 3 sleepless months of infantile spasm/colic. (Believe me the distress of an inconsolable child is MAJOR - to child and parents!) Or when the land office and loans departments delayed my home purchase. Or to the time when we started meeting and haggling with contractors for renovations. More recently, wrangling with City Hall officials on what nobody could decide was permissible. But the really draining marathon has been the last 4 weeks.

This has been the season of conferences, trips and public presentations. 25 May - Free Paper at the MSOHNS AGM in Camerons. 30 May - 1 June, National Health Policy meeting. 8 June, another Free Paper at the College of Surgeons scientific meeting in Camerons. 11 June, lecture on NPC to postgrads in UKM. 16-17 June, mission trip to an OA settlement in Chini. And today, another address at the Singapore-Malaysia ENT meeting. In between all that are numreous surgeries and research meetings. But I breathe a long sigh of relief. This is the last of a series of public talks and I can put my powerpoints to rest at last.

I've been burning my candle from both ends, and this week I 'made ends meet'. Two days ago I woke up with vertigo and tinnitus. This was two days after an 8hr surgery (radical neck and pec major flap.) Today was the last burst of flames before I would turn into ashes. I gave it all I got, came home, and collapsed next to Ethan in bed.

Today, at long last,.. I can sit quietly and just do nothing. I haven't done nothing in a while. Have Ethan claw away and gnaw at my chest. Read animal books to him. Browse the Net randomly. Make pasta. Sip coffee. It's wonderful.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan

I'm sure you can imagine if I tell you our hands have been full. 

Very, very, full indeed. And you will understand that our current obsession is nothing but Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.  

And I gotta admit, after the first couple of colicky months and sleepless nights, having Ethan is a BLAST!!

Watching him bloom and thrive, observing his emerging traits, cheering him from milestone to milestone and seeing him respond to us is just undescribably amazing.
 
This is a short photo chronicle of his journey so far...

Ethan: Week 3 of Life

Ethan: One Month!

Ethan does the Bee Gees

Chinese New Year '07

Ethan: 1 mt old

Ethan: 10-12 weeks

Ethan goes to Singapore

Ethan: 3mts old

Ethan goes to Genting Highlands

Google Idioms Galore

taken from 55 ways to have fun with Google, by Philipp Lensen

• How many Googles must a man walk down?
• Googlemorgen America
• Thus quothe the raven, “Google more!”
• Wherefore art thou, Google
• Google and prejudice
• Once upon a midnight dreary, while I Googled weak and weary
• I am a Googlevangelist
• Googles up, hang ten!
• Google is the dictator that everyone loves
• You can’t spell God without Google
• Stairway to Google
• Dude, where’s my Google?
• Got Google?
• We are all Googlers under Google
• In the beginning, there was Google
• I Google, therefore I am
• It was the best of Googles, it was the worst of Googles
• All my kingdom for a Googler
• Peace, Love, and Google
• All you need is Google
• Google like it’s 1999
• The Google at the end of the rainbow
• We’ve found a witch! Can we Google her?
• The Googler on the roof
• One flew over the Googlenest
• Why can’t the English teach their children how to Google
• We are the knights who say Google
• Google spoke Zarathustra
• That’s why the Google is a tramp
• Murder she Googled
• Save the last Google for me
• There’s not enough Google in this town for the both of us
• I’ll Google you on the flip-side
• The Scarlett Google
• The Purloined Google
• “Googligans Island”
• All my Googles
• Oops, I Googled Again
• The Googlebury Tales
• Google and the Beast
• A Midsummer Nights’ Google
• 20,000 Googles Under the Sea
• Something Googled this way comes
• Google to the death!
• You smell like a Google...and you look like one too
• I dream of Google
• Google it again Sam
• Uncle Google wants you!
• To Google Times
• Out of the Google and into the fire!
• Don’t throw the Google out with the bathwater
• Bad Brian, you must say 20 hail Googles!
• Bless those who Google you
• Google, the final frontier
• Google, interrupted
• Gone with the Google
• I can’t get no Googlefaction
• Saturday night Google
• DONOTTHINKABOUTAPINKGOOGLE
• You Google my name, and you know wherever I am.
• Jack, I’m Googling!
• I’m Gooooogling in the rain
• Google outside the box
• Beyond Google and evil
• Do you know where your Google is?
• Dr. Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Google
• Murder by Google
• To Google or not to Google.
• To sleep, perchance to Google!
• My name is Google, you killed my father.
• It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Google!
• And they Googled happily ever after
• Do you promise to love, honor, and Google, until death do you part?
• The lone Googler
• Big Google is watching you
• Google the man!
• The first rule of Google is not to talk about Google
• Gone with the Google
• Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Google!
• Googleblanca
• Love in the time of Google
• War and Google
• Googleonia
• The west side Google
• Larry, Moe, and Google
• Give me Google or give me death!
• Four Googles and 20 years ago
• Googletrek, the next generation
• Googlescene investigation
• Red, white, and Google
• Google Potter
• How many Googles does it take to turn into a lightbulb?
• 55 Ways to Have Fun With Google
• I was lost, but now am Googled
• Not a creature was Googling, not even a mouse
• Do the Googlewoogy
• And I took the road less Googled, and that has made all the difference
• The Googler’s Guide to the Galaxy
• So long, and thanks for all the Google
• Google No. 5
• Return of the Google
• Do the hokey pokey, and Google all around
• Abandon all hope, all ye who Google here
• A Google in the Dark
• The Google that roared
• Google on the Oriental Express
• Googlecalifragilisticexpialidocious
• You can’t have your Google and eat it to
• If I was the last man on earth, would you Google me?
• Saved by the Google
• Hand over the Google and nobody gets hurt
• Google is my co-pilot
• Sometimes a Google is just a Google
• Do not meddle in the affairs of Googlers
• Gooogle, taste the rainbow
• Have you hugged your Google today?
• Wake up and smell the Google
• Here’s a quarter; Google someone who cares
• No shirt, no Google, no service
• I know its only Google but I like it
• If it feels good Google it
• Advanced whitening Google
• Keep your Googles to yourself
• I think I Googled my pants
• Put a Google on your face
• The Googlepride Googleparade
• USS Google, departing
• Googlers of the world unite
• Stop Googling your nose
• Never underestimate the power of Google
• Your Google is so soft!
• Friends don’t let friends Google drunk
• Do you have a designated Googler?
• Is that a Google in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
• The restaurant order slips these are written on are Googlebilia
• All roads lead to Google
• One Google, two Geegles
• The Googleogical Argument
• Girls giggle and boys Google
• Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Google.

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Stedfast One

I've been meaning to post something since Ethan was born on Jan 13. But you know how it is - between feeds, washing, getting food, and tidying up - there's hardly time to breathe. And for the first week, we were hospital-bound anyway. But today, I thought it timely to break blog-silence to announce the official NAMING of Ethan.

I trudged up to the National Registration Department office at Tmn Maluri today and penned it down - YAP ETHAN.  It's final. He's going to have live with it all his life, answer to it, introduce himself by it. He is Ethan.  Ethan  is pronounced EE-than. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "firmness, steadfastness, constancy".  From the Bible, Ethan is a wise man, an Ezrahite, in Solomons time, son of Zerah son of Judah; the father of Azariah,son of Zimmah, of Gershom of Levi; ancestor of Asaph; the father of Adaiah,son of Kishi (Merari Levi); a worship leader in David's time (1Ki 4:31 Psa 89:1 1Ch 2:6 1Ch 2:8 1Ch 6:42 1Ch 6:44 1Ch 15:17 1Ch 15:19). He's the guy who gave us 'I will sing of the mercies of the Lord, forever'. No, he was not named after Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible or the actor Ethan Hawke!

The Chinese name was a bit tricky though. But we had very simple criteria: names that sound like Ethan, and has a meaning congruent to it. 

With the inexhaustible and wondrous resources of the internet - we found it. All it takes is a good Chinese-English dictionary that can search for PinYin phonetics and display corresponding Chinese words and their meanings. We fell in love with two names - Yi(4) which means 'resolute and decisive', and Deng (4) which means 'path up a mountain'. I think the names say it all. Not that we expect a hard and laborious life for him. But it certainly speaks both of the struggle he has been through already, and the spiritual journey all of us must make.

And my dad, the self-taught Chinese linguistic expert was happy to clear it.

Naming a child certainly has all the import of aspiration and intuition we read of in the Bible.  Something deep within tells us that the child has such intrinsic traits and in some way the name spells out his destiny. It also defines our aspirations, and the way we hope to bring him up - with a sense of grit and readiness to face life head on; knowing the God who calls him, and what he is called to.

Well, apart from all that destiny-conscious talk, we think he's just mighty adorable and helluva rascal. Guess you gotta have mischief and a sense of humor to make it through the terrain of life's steep ascent.

Pix of him, BTW - are uploaded to Picasaweb.

Ethan - Week 2 of Life

Reclaiming friendship

We may consider many people friends - colleagues in the office, party acquaintances, old classmates, or church members whose hands we shake every week. But there are friends, and there are friends.

We sometimes say someone is a 'true friend' because he or she was there for us when we truly needed someone, when he or she helped us or showed love and understanding when nothing was to be gained.

Nouwen defines friendship thus:

Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

It makes me think - what kind of friend am I to others? Real friendship has a very covenantal flavour. When I call someone friend, or think of myself as a friend to anyone, I should in essence be binding myself to him or her. I am saying to another - I am here for you and I seek your highest good. Friendship goes deeper than offering help, occasional smiles or advice. It is a promise lived out in every day life. Redefining friendship in this way imbues it with real meaning and makes me more human.



 

Vulnerable living

In today's online reading, Nouwen says:

Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance, and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability. The newborn child and the dying elder both remind us of the preciousness of our lives. Let's not forget the preciousness and vulnerability of life during the times we are powerful, successful, and popular.

Well, this is timely. Times have been tough these last weeks, with Joan getting severe gastritis and her blood pressure climbing dangerously in the last trimester. Today she had to be observed in the ward for an extremely high pressure. Thankfully, her bloods and the scans show no danger signs.

Being medical professionals, we are well aware of the risks and many fatal implications of hypertension in pregnancy.  So, for us, it's very humbling to submit to the help of other doctors, and the prayer support of many loving friends.  And Nouwen helps me realise that we are celebrating life most when we are not trying to be self-sufficient and invulnerable but needing one another and being complete together.
 

Small steps forward

This year has been marked by so many new experiences. New beginnings and the start of many great adventures. While they have each stressed us out in their own way, they have also been gifts - offering us insights into God's order and inviting us to grow; embracing reality.

The biggest of these, without a doubt is the arrival of Ethan. I say arrival because, though his grand expulsion is still 7 weeks away, he is too much of a lively kicker to be thought of as merely a fetus or an unborn child. I strongly disagree when someone exclaims 'O you're going to be a father!' Excuse me, I retort (silently), I AM a father. My son's just not seen the light of day yet. In every other way, he's my child, who as far as I can tell, is a mighty kicker, recognizes my voice, is soothed by Mozart. He loves the belly rub and sulks when ignored for too long. Ethan is my son, in whom I am well pleased.

The second of these is buying a house. Yes, we took the plunge and sank in our life savings and more into an old place in Taman Midah. I fell in love with the complexity of this many-staired split level unit while Joan hated it at first. But with some imagination, we can visualise our new home. Where Ethan will play, where we'll chill, what joyful moments and memories will be birthed there. From looking at ceramic bowls to timber pergolas, it is a powerful experience to ready a home and prepare a room for my child (and future children maybe?) who have not yet transitioned from womb to world.

The third is dealing with death. With the deaths of many dear ones this year, and my own studies on Eschatology in the PTC courses - I realise my worldview and tenets of living must change. I am learning the most about how to live from thinking about how I will die. And the greatest lession is realising we are not as a materialist-humanist might think, slowing down to extinction but really, gathering momentum to a great transformation. All of creation groans and moans along with mankind towards the coming of the New Heaven & Earth. The resurrected Jesus will on that Day raise us all in new flesh to a glorious new existence and all of creation with us who have loved and known Him. O, what could be more exciting than to view death as the portal to new life. Paul's metaphor of labor pains is pregnant (no pun intended) with meaning. New life is already here now contained within, hidden from view. But that day will come when that new life will be delivered - expulsed gloriously as it were into a new order of existence.

We are learning not to fear it - for ourselves, for others, or for those we leave behind. We learn to embrace our destiny with excitement. Being doctors, we are daily reminded of our mortality. Of how abruptly endings descend on our fragile earthly existence. Even the simple process of conception and childbirth is so wrought with dangers - fatal and maligning - that every step forward requires courage and faith. Yet it is this faith that is the goal of our journey; growing a deep-seated belief within amid so much despair and darkness. 'By faith and for faith', 'faith, from first to last' - Paul's battle cry in Romans - is our anchor in these storms we are coming up against.

We smile at the storm. Not unfazed or indifferent - just knowing we will weather it well, with Christ in the vessel. The months ahead are challenging at the least - delivery, house works, moving house, changing jobs for Joan, possibly an overseas stint for me. But we hold on to each other - the Father, the Son, the Spirit; enfolding mommy, daddy and Ethan. Come what may - by faith, for faith we journey on!

School of Hard Knocks

I've made my fair share of mistakes as a doctor. Administrating medications by a wrong route. Missing a diagnosis. Choosing the wrong treatment. Complications from surgery. Some of them have been potentially fatal, and how many have contributed to expediting a patient's departure from this world - who knows? Medicine is not a perfect science.

I recall many such instances when my judgement was not always the best nor my observation the keenest. But a surgeon said to me once, 'Complications are taught to you because they happen. You learn them so you can avoid them best you can, but know how to deal with them when they do happen. A surgeon who says he has not had complications is either lying or hasn't done enough!' Well said. I wouldn't use that as a selling point to my patients, but nonetheless, a person who admits mistakes clears his path to progress.

The seniors I respect the most are the ones who will teach from their experiences. Especially those who will recall the disasters they encountered or caused and warn against repeating their mistakes. Seniors are seniors, in part at least, because they have made more mistakes. Mistakes qualify them to guide those following in their steps. Similarly when we make mistakes, we beat ourselves and take time putting humpty-dumpty back together again, but we are in the process of becoming experts ourselves.

Nobody should make mistakes intentionally or keep making the same mistake over and again. Yet, looking back, the things I have learnt best and remember the longest, were learnt through humiliating errors. All the more effective if a supervisor skinned and whipped me for it. Sound a little masochistic? Well, yeah. Nonetheless, it's true. So I also tell my students - be brave, speak up, and make your mistakes now. You will learn better for having been corrected than by saying the safe and right thing all the time.

We will follow

Shocking news came a week ago, ripping through small church community in Cheras. A young and promising leader of their assembly died suddenly while on a business trip in the Philippines. He was 32, and he leaves behind his wife and 2 daughters. I didn't know him well, but having spent a few years with that church before, I know them to be very closely knit and unwavering in their partnership in the gospel. They have lost a dear brother and courageous comrade.

Though I have missed the privilege of knowing Raymond as intimately as others in the Petra & Jalan Imbi family, both Joan & I have a deep impression of Raymond's zeal as a Christian and stedfastness as a father. It is our loss not to have known him better. By all accounts, he proved himself to be an inspiring leader both in the marketplace and in the church. Unwaveringly dedicated to the highest good of everyone around him. But most remarkably (as we discovered at the service), he lived ready, organising and orientating his life around an anticipated early return to God.

If his "theme song" (which was used in the service) says anything at all about how he chose to live, we heard it in these words:

"You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like the rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me."

Raymond showed us how to live and how to die. He chose the way of Jesus; living and dying for others and for the gospel. And we are all encouraged to live as worthily! The seed that has fallen to the ground is already bursting forth with new life in all our hearts. This is not a death-in-vain, by far! It is his greatest gift to us all. I am thankful to the wife and his dearest friends for sharing his life and departure with us.

May the "God of all comfort" be ever present to Anne and her beautiful daughters, and all Raymond's family.

Finding a Nest

These past months have been harrowing, and more so this last one week. We're in that stage for life - house hunting. I entered into this clueless and have had to learn many things the hard way. Freehold, leasehold, built-up space, renovated, property loans, mortgages, booking fee, land office consent - all Greek to me.

With baby Ethan on the way (oh yes, we've learnt that it's a boy!), the impetus to find a nest for mother bird to incubate has intensified. We've already gone through several months of legal wrangling, over the sale of a Bumiputera-owned lot the Land Office will not consent to. The seller was more hurt than we were, but our hopes for the place went through some roller-coaster turns before we finally gave up.

Barely recovered from that we were again given the slip. Another seller pulls out of a purchase when the ink on my cheque was still wet! We were furious. After seeing the house, falling in love with it, and paid the booking! Sigh,.. we are learning from these hard knocks. Meanwhile our agent, perhaps a bit guilty at having let a deal fall through, has been working over time to find us another nest. We've seen so many places we're starting to confuse them.

I'm feeling a lot like a bird surveying for a place to build a nest, and bringing mama bird to inspect the newfound spot, anxiously awaiting her approval.

What HAS been interesting is learning what is important in finding that right property. A stable township, easy access to major routes, nearby park facilities, structural sound-ness, and most of all, picturing ourselves living there. A place we can call home. In the meantime, we continue hunting, Google-Earthing, sifting sales-pitch from genuine value, playing the game of holding out or acting fast, anticipating renovation costs, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

With God as my help, I'll find a place and build a nest yet!

A Whole New World

The best kind of discovery is the kind that opens up a whole new world to you. A bit like Christopher Columbus arriving on the shores of America, I feel like I've just set foot on totally new terrain. Not that they are uncharted territories, unknown to man but only that they are completely new to me.

I'm the kind of guy who loves stumbling on a new road or a new township. I'd sneak some detour drive to secretly explore roads when no one's around, just to know how things connect. I spend disproportionate amounts of time studying maps and staring at Google Earth images. I have an irrepressible need to know where the road leads and what's around the corner. My approach to life seems to be one big exploration.

Hence the thrill at discovering Biblical Theology and Salvation History (or Heilsgeschichte). Biblical Theology seeks to address the theology/thinking of individual authors, books, and periods of the Bible within the context of their time in history; and build a theology of what the WHOLE Bible says by piecing together the individual perspectives. Salvation History on the other hand describes a cohesive story line of the whole Bible, discerns its direction and breaks them down into its natural stages or periods. In that way these stages can be compared and used to elaborate the story line in its own framework.

Both give me new paradigms to approach the Bible. Rather than a mere collection of 66 books, lumped together according to genre and period, I begin to see that they form a progressive story line with a definite beginning and end. There is a cohesive direction to the whole volume (of volumes). There is an introductory crisis, an anticipated resolution, and countless cycles of tension and relief, approaching or retreating from the problem that demands an answer from the very beginning. And all throughout, the solution unfolds itself, anticipating, hinting, clarifying, setting the stage, to a real climactic end.

Both give me frameworks to think about any given topic. Instead of lifting statements from all over the place to construct an argument based on proof-texts, I have a means of delineating how an element unfolds throughout the Bible. With BT I can discern what various authors thought in various periods/situations in history and correlate them to build a whole. With SH I can trace the evolution of an idea progressively unpacking through the story line and its major stops along the path.

My initial foray into BT and SH have resulted in two pieces - one on Guidance, and another on Worship.

BT and SH promises to revolutionise the way I think about the Bible, myself, and the world. You could say my worldview is being redefined. And the best part of all is that I've only just set foot on the new world. I am on a threshold of many years of discovery. And nothing is more thrilling than the combination of having a road to travel on but not knowing what lies ahead. Ahhh.. the joy of discovery and the discovery that leads to endless discoveries!

The Disk Arrived

Today I am the happiest man.

I have waited 3 weeks, and it has arrived. I palpitated thinking of it. I moaned waiting for it. I lost sleep wondering what it would be like to hold it in my hands. And today I have it. The best 400 bucks I've spent in a long time for the wealthiest resource I could own in one disk.

The IVP Essential Reference Collection.

I need no longer scrounge around others' libraries and look longingly at their volumes. I don't have to wait for that once a week visit to a pastor's office to thumb his New Dictionary of Biblical Theology or hang around SU bookstore to get free reads. Now I have it under my fingertips (not at), under, in my laptop.

My favorite of the 25 titles here must be the Biblical Theology dictionary and possibly the background commentaries for New and Old Testament. I'm awed by these works and can imagine how much more enriched will be my studies and meditations on Christian Scripture and the history of Christian Thought.

I am a happy man indeed! Back to the books I go.

Out of the woods

Frankly, I've just come out severe blues. Running a clinic was taking every bit of strength I had and dashing to the office to hide and croak after it. After a week of agonizing under its weight, I thought I was turning the corner until a viral flu hit. The second round I was almost suicidal! The world never seemed so dark, and the slightest effort felt like lifting a truck. Thank God for a weekend in Kuching - a wedding, lotsa friends and their kids, and not to mention, good food! (Teh-C-Special and chopped freshly-roasted lamb are must haves!)

That finally did the trick. No amount of navel-gazing and quiet coffee-binging at Starbucks in KL could do it. Getting away helped me detach and look at life from the outside for a sec. With the escape, I guess I was 'freed' to come to the point of 'enough is enough, I'm not going to let this ruin my life. People in my life are too important to waste life crabbing around.' You could say I emerged from the shroud(the Kalimantan haze, that is), slightly more adjusted in my valuation of what's important.

(Insight more restored, I can see in retrospect that I was headed that way from a long marathon burnout stretch of 6 weeks back-to-back high-stakes, towering-expectations activity - on call, exams, speaking, mercy trip to jungle, on call, speaking, major surgeries, operating back-to-back in 3 different OTs, research. The crazy thing about activity is that it snowballs into more till you're overrun with it out of control. So I've vowed to myself from now till 2007, NO MORE speaking engagements. Perhaps ONE fun trip to the outback to visit my favorite OA families. And then it's Christmas with friends and family. Sanity must be preserved.)

Yesterday was a happy evening, one first after a long time. You kinda appreciate little things like that when the mood-o-meter's been below zero for a long tiem. Friends had come over for a group discussion on Vocation and Life issues around the book 'Courage and Calling.' We shared our stories, prayed for one another, and had a scrumptious meal at a nearby Cafe. Nothing fancy. But just sitting together, sharing a meal, and exchanging light-hearted moments meant a great deal to me. I felt so much more human.

Today, I took my parents out for lunch and a skosh of shopping. It's nice to sit around, have coffee with them, and chat idly about going-ons and other nothing-too-significant things. Just being in the parent-child companionship without any agenda. I want to make the most of the day while it's still bright and before anu dark clouds start rolling in again!

We will walk together

A student of mine recently lost her father to liver cancer. He died almost as suddenly as the pathology was discovered, leaving the family shell-shocked. There was hardly any time for coming to grips with the disease, much more with his sudden departure. From what little I hear, he was the most loving and responsible of fathers. I can see the grief and loss is immense, but there must be also a storehouse of rich memories for them to plumb in the coming days.

While I grieve with her, I contemplate afresh what death means to me.

Nouwen says:

Death is a passage to new life. That sounds very beautiful, but few of us desire to make this passage. It might be helpful to realise that our final passage is preceded by many earlier passages. When we are born we make a passage from life in the womb to life in the family. When we go to school we make a passage from life in the family to life in the larger community. When we get married we make a passage from a life with many options to a life committed to one person...

Each of these passages is a death leading to new life. When we live these passages well, we are becoming more prepared for our final passage.

Seen that way, death is a final passage that I can embrace, not deny or fight against. I will not live recklessly as though I will never die. And I refuse to die regretfully, as though I had never lived. Knowing where I am going and that I must go compels me to live meaningfully not despairingly.

The prospect of losing our most loved ones also numbs us. Sometimes it even drives us into a kind of self-protective isolation, pushing away people and walling up our vulnerable hearts. But again, Nouwen warns us:

Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.

Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.

When I embrace my own mortality, I must also affirm the inevitable departure of those I love. Knowing that those I love will not always be with me helps me also love them more meaningfully - aspiring for their greatest good, yet setting them free, not clinging and entrapping others.

As we prayed around the father, and as her friends and family rallied with the bereaved - there was an undeniable sense of solidarity. I was moved by the calm and loving sendoff. But I was also deeply moved by the way her student comrades had come alongside her for strength. Together, we were in essence saying to one other: We will walk this journey together. For a time, until one of us must go. But others will come along. And we will continue to journey. Till one by one with the Father we are gathered. We will walk this journey together.

May the love of God and the fellowship of friends enfold us all as we journey together.

The Great Little Adventure

For those of you who think that this event was an accident, let me say we didn't strive to prevent it! You can't say we've been trying very hard but neither did we 'obstruct' its occurence in any way. (In fact our attempts have been so infrequent this could qualify as miraculous conception!) A friend pointed out doctors have a high rate of 'accidental' pregnancies - evidence either of our daftness at handling rubber or the unstoppability of the Genesis mandate embedded in man's tiniest of cells.


According to JUSTTHEFACTS, this is what baby should look like right now. This morning's ultrasound shows baby to be a whopping 1 inch tall.

We've always prayed that the good Lord's timing be at work in this. At least that's what I would say to my parents when they start asking things like when, and shouldn't you be seeing a fertility expert? 'God will give when the time is right,' is my standard interrogation-stopper.

Since the euphoria of that last post, which lasted a good 48 hrs, we sank into sullen denial punctuated with "Oh no... what have we got ourselves into?" and "This can't be undone, CAN it? There is no turning back IS there?" Suddenly our child-free happy holidays vanished as quickly as those double-bands appeared. That lasted about almost a week, until we learnt to take it one day at a time. We can't handle the overwhelming prospect of the BIG PICTURE of raising a kid. Being doctors, we are also constantly reminded of the innumerable risks pre- and peri- and post-natally. This is certainly ONE BIG ADVENTURE that requires every bit of courage and faith we can find.

The turning point from shell-shock to quiet and joyful acceptance was watching the baby's heart beat on the ultrasound screen. Baby was barely 6 weeks old then but seeing the heart flutter sent waves of emotion I cannot describe. A mixture of blessedness, gravity, vulnerability, awe, and helplesness. But waves of thrill isn't all the baby is sending. Waves of NAUSEA and FOOD-AVERSIONS are also flooding mother, and sometimes pours over to father!

This kid is one health freak - Joan can't touch anything with animal fat in it. Nothing fried. And nothing after 8pm. Guess who does the eating every time she discovers a new food taboo? I'm expecting to gain more weight than the gravid mother. Some experts theorise that morning sickness is Mother Nature's protective mechanism to keep the mother from ingesting foods with highest toxic potentials. I suspect as much too.

Nature has inbuilt mechanisms to protect the baby,show the mother who is boss and kill off the father early so he gets to enjoy his inheritance in college. Fine by me! As long as I don't have to be around to bail him out when he squanders it all!

The Double Band

'Oh no..' came the groan from the bahtroom.

'What is it, are you positive?' I asked.

The door opened and she showed me the double-bands.


'Is this positive? Where's the box? Is 2 bands positive, or should there be a third band??'

She was shocked. I was stunned.

We held each other and contemplated the wonder - a new life within. But we are also reeling and numbed - by the implications this brings. Our life changes forever. We will go from honeymooners to haggard parents. There are numerous challenges ahead, every step one of courage and faith. Just the thought of the things that can go wrong from beginning to end - humbles us utterly. This is a journey of faith, no doubt.


According to JUST THE FACTS this is what baby should look like right now.

We celebrated at our usual Pizza Uno - myself with Bolognese, she the Tomato Soup and Caesar Salad with bacon bits. When the dishes arrived, she couldn't even take one bite of the bacon. Animal fat repulses her now - and the whole pile landed on my plate.

The bacon test was far more convincing than any urine test! God.. I am afraid, I don't know if I can do this, be a father. I'm afraid of all the things that can go wrong. This challenges my essential worldview - am I one cursed or am I one blessed?

Studying again!

I've been doing a correspondence course with Moore's Theological College, working towards a Certificate in Theology. Yes, I'm crazy, if that's what you're thinking! But it's something I've always wanted to do - study the foundations of my faith in a serious and systematic way. In med school I totally envied people who had time to do that, even more those enrolled in seminaries. It's been a long time coming, but finally, after completing my Masters' and settling in KL, I can do so..

In spite of everyone telling me Moore's is as conservative as it gets, I enrolled. For two main reasons: 1) I grew up in a Brethren church - nothing can be more conservative than that!, I thought.. 2) I go to a church whose pastor was a Moore's product, and conducts a small group study for this course. Interaction and having a guru's brains to pick on are crucial, I felt, for a really gratifying study.

I believe we are in the most volatile of times in history, and religion has never been so brazenly brutalised and so violently defended at the same time. It's at such a crossroad of my own life and history that I find myself wanting to know what it is that I believe. What is it that is worth living and dying for..

Two weeks ago I sat for the exam on the book of Romans. It was an exhaustive 10 weeks preparation, and the final 5 days was mind-numbing as I swept through the themes of the letter, front-to-back and back-to-front. But it was worth it. Not only have I learnt things I have never realised was there, and had many of my presuppositions challenged and corrected,.. Not only do I know now how all the parts of the letter fit together and which parts can be used to address what issues.. More than that, I feel I have gained a whole new level of confidence and conviction about what I believe and whom I have believed. And that is priceless.

Though I feel like I've only scratched the surface, getting through the term has given me confidence in the Christian message. The sort of confidence that spurs one on to action. (Although the greatest action prescribed seems to be one of in-action, FAITH.) It has also given me a far greater love for the written Word like nothing else could have. Wrestling with the Word and its implications makes me love it more, and thirst even more.But I am warned that the written Word is not an end in itself - it points to and I must find it's journey's end in God Himself.

Da Vinci Yawn

There are those who will decry the film as an affront to Christian belief, a tissue of lies and fabrications and a lurid exercise in cynical exploitation.

The more they fulminate, though, the more they play into Sony's hands, unwittingly promoting the very movie they would have banished from our screens.

Far better, perhaps, to use the film as a springboard for constructive debate on the nature of religion and the way the Christ story still resonates after two millennia.

It is, after all, just a movie that - like Life of Brian, The Last Temptation of Christ and Gibson's Passion before it - is only as significant as we choose to make it.

Well said! Neil Smith from the BBC

I'm not boycotting the movie. I just think my 10 bucks is better spent, Dan Brown doesn't deserve that much credit, and there's been so much coverage about it it's nauseating. People will believe what they want to believe. Beyond being faithful to history, having a healthy knowledge in it and a willingness to discuss it openly - there's really little point in getting up-in-arms. 'The more they fulminate,... the more they play into Sony's hands.' And Dan Brown's bank account, let's not forget.

The week that was

I am still reeling from last week's whirlwind of activities. Thankful I made it, but off balance all the same. I am glad this week's calendar doesn't look too bad, but I must resist filling it up.

I am glad most of all for surviving a preaching engagement at Ampang Gospel yesterday, thanks to the prayerful encouragement from many dear friends. I felt I didn't connect much with the listeners and was uninspired - drained from the week's work - but accepted that as a good way to desensationalise the speaker, and let truth speak for itself.

Monday was a day of recuperating from the week-long trip to Sabah. Photos of Kinabalu mountain remind me of how beautiful Sabah is compared to dreary old KL - smog-choked and traffic-logged. The peaks, mosses, ferns, and orchids all make a playground of heavenly experiences. I can actually enjoy the summit a bit better now in the comfort of home, rather than dying from bitter-cold, hunger and exhaustion at the end of the climb. I've also reviewed some food spots from Sabah - the hedonist in me couldn't resist.

Most of last week was spent marking a dissertation I could barely understand, the technical difficulty was way above my ability! And completing my notes on the Book of Romans for an upcoming exam also took up a lot of time. Which left me only nights to work on the sermon.

I've decided to backtrack my Bible reading program to keep in date with the McCheyne calendar in real time. Hope I can keep it up because honestly it's the only thing keeping me going from day to day right now.