The little things

I envy those who can write incessantly on their blogs.

Weeks, months can pass for me when I feel I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing of significance. Nothing to indicate the slightest growth in thinking or seeing. Nothing, I feel worth giving to the larger world. But am I right to feel this way? Perhaps it is the little things, the seemingly insignificant, the unremarkable that are the real building blocks of life. The things to appreciate and value.

I read that those who undergo major depression find it an immense challenge just to put food in their mouth or take a shower. When I am depressed, I can't find the strength to get up to go to work. To open a book to read. Or even say hello to a friend walking by. There is barely a will to go on living - only the compulsion of self-preservation to keep me going. Beset with such recurrent dips, even the slightest moments of relative freedom from unexplained sadness is great joy to me.

The slightest things.

To be able to think one's thoughts uninterrupted by anxiety attacks for the Obsessive-Compulsive. The taste of walking down the street freely for the political prisoner. Simplest things that we take foregranted if we had not first lost them. Such is the irony of living - we only treasure the things we have lost, and what we have we take foregranted and waste.

Sometimes the only thing to do is to look for the things of grace, the gifts of life and to summon all of one's soul to love it and cherish it. Even in its absence.

Are you lost?

Reviewing my goals today, it seems I've pretty much lost my way in life. I've forgotten the higher purposes and it's no wonder I wander aimlessly. To pursue God's heart, to be a friend and home to others, to be an exemplary physician, to be a scientist who merges science and spirit, to be a writer of Truth - these are among the things I cherish most in life.

Perhaps living in the city has been distracting. Tonight as I walked out to get my mamak fix of mi goreng and milo ais, I started to miss the Sarawak days (1999-2000). Quiet nights. Solitude. Strong mountain winds whistling hauntingly through the cracks. City life bombards you with a zillion demands, temptations and ought-tos. I miss the days when there's nothing to tell you what you should be, do, earn, own... When you are you and it's all that matters.

I have a beautiful home and beautiful wife. Stable job doing what I love. Lots of challenges, areas to serve and give. Meaningful relationships, surrounded by loving people. Nobody can tell me my life is lacking in any way. Nothing should stop me from giving my life wholeheartedly to the things I care about.

Sometimes I feel I want to live a more significant life. One with more contribution to society and such. But really, chasing after significance is like wanting to be rich. It's never enough! The best thing to do is to pursue what satisfies me and keeps me challenged.

I am confused by too many conflicting goals. I should do instead what will make me proud and satisfied at the end of my days here on earth, and 10,000 years to come. Seen from that perspective - values change. Convictions are what determine actions, worldview is what influences behavior. So what ARE those convictions? How DO I see the world and myself in it?

The End or the Beginning?

I sat in with a few medical students studying Phil 3:1-21 yesterday. Revisiting this passage I was struck by how Paul's perspective is deeply undergirded by the Resurrection. He has his death and what comes after firmly in vision.

To know that there is a new and glorious life beyond the grave should completely change the way we live and die.

Whenever Joan and I go on trips, the anticipation of the day before just kills us. Boarding the plane or train is filled with euphoria. And we just can't wait to be wowed by the exotic-ness of the place we're about to visit. Perhaps that's how death and dying should be - if I were to go with my faculties fully intact, there would be pain in leaving loved ones behind for sure, but there must also be great anticipation and excitement of going to a new and glorious place. All my journeys in life this side of heaven lead up to this ultimate journey.

Philip Yancey, in 'More than Words', comments on John Donne's life and writings: 'for Donne, death was always the Great Enemy to be resisted, not a friend to be welcomed.. the turning point came as he began to view death not as the disease that permanently spoils life, but rather as the only cure to the disease of life. For sin had permanently stained all life, and only through death - Christ's death and our own - can we realise a cured, sinless state.'

Death is not the end, but only the beginning.

My life on earth is dwarfed by the implications of eternity with God. All that I think, do, and experience here is but a prelude to the great symphony to be played out beyond the final horizon.

Tomorrow I will take my parents to a cemetery in PD to tidy up the burial grounds of my grandparents and pay respects. It's a good Chinese tradition to uphold (minus any ancestor worship.) I will look upon the tombstones and contemplate the lineage I have come from, the lives my predecessors have carved out for my existence today.. but more, so much more. Those tombstones will remind me of the final journey that I will also make some day.

Will I resist it or will I, like Paul, 'press on toward the goal.. which God has called me heavenward in Christ', 'to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.'

Agony and joy

At last! I have finished it!

I've been put to the task of writing an article for the Kairos magazine (Understanding the World Through Christian Eyes). My instruction - 1000 words on the Spirituality of Movies. The WHAT of movies?! You may ask..

My jaw-on-the-floor response exactly.

I didn't know where to begin, what to say, how to say it. Scribbling on my Palm, sweating on the bus, pacing in the mall, trying to mesh together unmeshable threads of thought. It was impossible. So, true to my procrastinating form, I could only get started after the deadline. Today, three weeks late, and hounded by the editor... I managed. Finally.

And I actually enjoyed writing it. I said things I never thought I would say, and I learnt a great deal just thinking through my own words. What can I say? The tough really gets going when the going gets tough. Only in the stress of being late, and the agony of putting one word ahead of the other, did the writing dam finally break.

Now I hope the editor doesn't chuck it back at me. But that would be ok too, because I enjoyed writing it. It was self-justifying for me.

No despair in dying

"There is no despair even in death where Hospis Malaysia is concerned. It’s all about providing dignity and comfort to the dying, and eventually healing to the family members" - Dr Ednin Hamzah

I am so deeply appreciative that there are people like Ednin Hamzah and his wonderful team who will embrace death and reclaim the dignity and importance of our final journey. I am reminded of Nouwen's thoughts on death - dying for others being the final and greatest gift in a life of giving.

It makes we wonder how I will die. What will be my regrets or even my hopes for those I leave behind? Will I look back on my life in satisfaction, or in regret and shame?

One foot ahead of the other

I'm obsessed. Since I lost enough weight to take the pain off of my knees, I've not stopped. I dread it before I begin. The first 10 minutes is excruciating. But once the rubber hits the road, there's just no stopping. This is one of the simplest and purest pleasures in life - I just can't do without it!

I will run just about anywhere. When I was living in Kubang Krian, the lalang-enfolded kampung trails were my track and field. Since moving to KL, the many parks with lakes and beautiful trees have been a joy to romp round. But my all time favorite run must be the one I did around the Sydney Darling Harbor on vacation there 2 weeks ago. (I have some shots to prove it!)



Starting at Pyrmont Bay, round the light house, across the Welcome Wall, down to Fox Studios, then back up and across the Pyrmont Bridge. And finally around the Cockle Bay Wharf to get back to the Bay again. A fantastic 3 mile-run with a view to boot.

I think I'm ready for some public runs now. Not competition speed yet. But just to get into the mass euphoria of going round the city. The next run coming up is the Hong Leong Charity run on 10th April at Dataran Merdeka. Hope to do that one, and maybe a couple more throughout the year. Training for them will be painful but fun, for sure. It's fantastic to see how one's performance improves with each run.

I think it's the powerful metaphor-for-life that running is that draws me to it so much. The dreaded anticipation, the fear of failure, the painful inertia, the uncertainty around each corner.. Will I make it? Can I finish? But once we get going - O this is too good to stop!

'Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.' - St. Paul

Drama of hope

Genesis 42-43 is a powerful buildup to the tear jerking reconciliation of brothers and the long orphaned Joseph with his embittered father.

The depth of guilt that haunts the brothers are revealed here. Surfacing, as it were, in the most appropriate time and place!

Jacob's unquenchable sorrow is also provoked here. As though to heighten the immensity of the coming moment.

This is stuff no soap opera can reproduce. A drama of whole generations coming to glorious climax.

Amid the mind-snapping tensions, Joseph flees to weep. To tremble on the vast pain and hope in his life now colliding on the ground of his already ravaged history. Pain on one hand (for his numerous betrayals, and separation from family), and hope on the other (for reunion and to take a step forward to the Promised Nation.)

Joseph, it isn't hard to extrapolate, is a powerful metaphor of Jesus and the Cross. And it isn't a stretch to identify with this man when in many trying episodes of our own lives - we are barely coping with the pain, but by God's grace it yields to hope which emboldens us to take a step forward.

Small steps forward

I am currently reading Yancey's 'More Than Words: Contemporary Writers on the Works That Shaped Them', and was delighted that the first chapter is written by Richard Foster. It's a trip back 10 years to the one person who started me on the journey of spiritual discovery.

As I read Foster, and his interaction with De Caussade, I am so struck by how they all teach and echo the same truth. From Nouwen to Merton, to Thich Nhat Hanh, all from different traditions and different times, but searching for truth in the same way. And arriving at the same conclusion: that truth, life, and even God can only be found in the present moment and in daily living.

I rejoice for this has been the joyful discovery (amid painful struggles) of the last half year. Against my activistic church upbringing and the obvious disapproval of many close friends, it has been difficult to cutback, downsize, and disappear into anonymity.

Foster declares we have a 'duty to the present moment as the place where (we) find God'. Indeed, there is no other place to be. I am learning that we cannot be fully alive dwelling in the unchangeable past or fretting over the unknowable future. And only inasmuch as we are in the present are we able to encounter God who is in the here and now.

Foster also affirms my commitment to ordinariness - shunning special positions and spectacular projects - for 'right where we are is holy ground, in the families we have been given, in the tasks we are assigned, among our neighbours and friends.' I am learning that there is joy in ordinary living - watering the plants, riding the train, chatting up a taxi driver, a leisurely lunch with colleagues, simple conversations. In each moment the holiness within everything and everyone can emerge if we would sit back and allow it to. Watch for it with the simple ease of not trying too hard to do anything - but receiving graciously and giving spontaneously.

The beauty of such living - in the present, and in ordinariness - is the joy that fills it. I am at such ease, and can be present to anyone at any time with a natural joy. How else can we bless people if we do not safeguard our inner joy? Again, Foster affirms this self-sustaining and self-justifying way of living: 'it is this that makes life bearable,.. enjoyable. It enables us to walk cheerfully over the earth!'

If I were to describe the biggest steps I've made (baby steps as it were) over the past half year, they would be:
1. A commitment to the Ordinary Life - embracing the stuff of daily living, encountering God in the day to day
2. A dedication to the Mindful Life - returning to the present moment, encountering God in the here and now
3. A return to Authenticity - recovering a self minus the play-acting of multiple roles, relating to God from who I am

A Free Man Indeed

My daily reading of the Bible has reached Gen 41. It's the point where Joseph is at last remembered and vindicated, now to a position of unimaginable height for a Hebrew slave in Egypt. It seems his life thus far has been a roller-coaster ride of intermittent dissapointments interspersed by fleeting deliverances, only to be thrown in the mud again and again.

Anyone having been dealt such an appalling hand in life would not be faulted for resentment and rebellion. Sold out by his own blood, jailed for his sexual integrity and loyalty to his boss, forgotten by recepients of his undeserved grace.

Indeed even the most moderate of sociopaths invariably have a history of protacted abuse during which his/her belief in the intrinsic goodness of mankind and the world is systematically raped. But not Joseph.

In spite of life's 'unfair hand' Joseph has kept his integrity and his faith. And even manages to be a blessing wherever he lands up. In captivity, in servitude, or in jail - he continues to bring value to his station in life. How does he do it? Wherefrom is this ability to see the big picture and believe in the significance of his role in God's plan? How does fading memories of childhood stories and idyllic dreams sustain a man through such hardening experiences?

Or could it be that the very crushing of a man yields the sweetest hope and grace? That in 'losing his life' he has gained it? By embracing death do we begin to live. In servanthood we have complete freedom. In letting go I have hands to receive.Egotism and ambition razed to the ground, he has escaped from the prison of self a free man - free from the fleshly compulsions and worldly attachments.

I wonder..

It seems life's harshest circumstances will inevitably have profound effects on our lives - but they certainly don't take away our ability to choose what they do for us.

Dangers of pedestalisation

I'm currently on a self-declared sabbatical from formal church/parachurch responsibilities.

I need it badly.

Taking on too many leadership roles for too long corrupts the way you think/feel/act.

After a while you begin to believe (perhaps subconsciously) that you have all the answers. You are constrained to think in a politically correct way, act in a manner befitting and exemplary as a leader, and you stop asking really important existential questions. The pedestal you put yourself on is a spiritually stunting place and a trap for self-righteousness.

The moment I take up something this 'leader complex' creeps back in. And a thousand other compulsions and false sense of righteousness associated with it.

Let me first be ME. A human being, trying to reclaim a wholesome life, relating to a holistic God and all of the world - people, nature, myself and others. I must say NO, withdraw from substitutes for REAL spiritual living in the ordinary life.

I want to stay away as much as possible from all things institutional and organisational. From all things hierarchical and human-worshipping.

Honestly, I feel so much more real, so human, so complete and aware of my incompleteness WITHOUT church/parachurch responsibilities

Even the land rests

The closing of 2 Chronicles is amazing. The Chronicles were written to restore identity to a rootless generation. The two volumes pressed home the message in numerous examples that the only way to live in God's benevolent reign is by trust and obedience. To their peril, Israel failed mostly. Violently and humiliatingly sacked to non-existence, at the end of the kings' reign - the chronicler points out that their 70 years of non-existence was the Sabbath rest the land never got. The land finally got to rest. Rest from what? From evil, from sin, from wars, fightings within and without, from greed and idolatry. Rest.

Rest is an intrinsic law of the Universe. A rhythm that can only be violated to our peril. And if only to teach us that, God Himself rests! Why should he ever NEED to rest? But that's the whole point. The point of rest is not so that we can work. The chief aim of rest is not work! The aim of rest is to detach us from work - so that it does not BECOME our life, that it doesn't overwhelm us, that we don't place the seat of meaning and identity in it. But that work is work, and rest is rest. Rest is for itself. It is a self-justifying institution.

There is no rest without time, space and silence from the mind and heart's frantic voicings. There is no agenda in rest. For rest to be rest and has to have no point. It is about simply being. Being with myself. With God. With nature. With one another. But there are no goals, no aims, no parameters. Just simply rest.

The ending chapters in Revelations is such a rest. When we are surrounded by the fruits of the tree of life. Eternity in every moment. The way it was in the beginning.

Church in any form

I've been trying to follow some movements on the Internet such as the Emergent Church and House Church. And I'm excited about this new wave of rediscovering what life in the Body of Christ can and should be.

I identify with and give two thumbs up for any movement that tries to:
1. Undo divisions and reclaim unity among believers
2. Reclaim authenticity of the individual and stop role-playing/play-acting in churches
3. Minimise institutional structure to allow maximum spontaneity and relationships
4. Recovers ONE unified life under ONE God of all things from our fragmented and dichotomised living


Roger in Housechurch Blog asks:
What is “the church?” Can I live the Kingdom life without the institution? What does this look like?

Fredrik in freddyblog answers, 'I absolutely think we can, but I have no idea how it looks like. I feel comfortable about not knowing it. We don’t have to know. We just have to trust and live.'

Whichever way people go - it is authentic Body Life that we must live out. I think it matters little if we did it/found it IN A church or outside of one. Wherever we are and with whomever we are we must BE the Church.

Redo Hair Day

I hustled my wife into a total hair job today. She's been so harassed and dehumanized at work lately I decided she needed something drastic - like straighten her curls and add some color to it!

We were at the saloon till long after closing time. My job? Take photos and keep a steady supply of ice cream and food. Just to keep her distracted.. Heh.

She still can't get over the total makeover.. I think she looks terrific!

But now all the male colleagues at work are offering to take her out for lunch and finish her chores for her... Great! Talk about the power of new hair!

Hospitality on the Blogosphere

I reread 'Lost in the Sea of Change' - one of my earliest pieces in which I wrote, 'All of us need people who will listen and offer others a ‘free and fearless space’ to be. When we accept each other and affirm God’s unconditional love, we can discover and pursue our true needs with confidence. Only then can we all make choices and commitments that are right and true to our heart’s cry'

Blogging has changed community and the art of connecting completely. Take a look at Messy Christian or Irene Q Unravelled and you'll know what I mean. Blogs have become places for self-discovery, journalling and above all - conversation.

And it's wonderful! There's an unstated understanding that a blog is like a home - the writer speaks his mind and heart and guests listen and respond with their own thoughts and experiences. Sometimes very thoughtfully, sometimes tongue-in-cheek. But always with respect for each other's space and place in their journey.

That's hospitality at its best - being a home and safe place for one another. Places where we can ask the unaskable and think the unthinkable. And maybe somewhere along the threads of mystery we all weave, truth will show itself to us.

Conversations with Thich Nhat Hanh

I've been reading with much joy Thich Nhat Hanh's book - Living Buddha, Living Christ. I know many well-meaning Christians would call me a heretic and burn me at the stake for even mentioning that I do (read a Buddhist monk's work.)

But he is a beautiful man with a beautiful mind. I am humbled by how insightfully he understands the Christian faith and teaches me to revere God and cherish my own spirituality more. What I would give to have a conversation with the man! Well, next to actually having one - this is what I would say if I had a chance to respond to him from him from his book...

TNH: When mindfulness is present,.. the Holy Spirit (is) already there.
YY: So true - when I live in the moment, in the here and now (not in the past or future), space is immediately opened up for God to come and dwell with us. God can only come to us in the present. The question is are we (present?). But we have to be ourself to be present. Most of the time we are someone else, someplace else, and in some other time!

TNH: ..we can put it (bread) in our mouth and chew with real awareness, not chewing anything else, such as our thoughts, our fears, or even our aspirations... this way, every meal is the Last Supper.
YY: Exactly! I've secretly practiced that - 'eating' Jesus in every meal (when I remember!). The exercise of eating is a spiritual one - always receiving in gratitude and not in greed.

TNH: The body of Christ is the body of God,.. of ultimate reality, the ground of all existence. We do not have to look anywhere else for it. It resides deep in our own being.
YY: Yes. How far must we wander to find Him who is already in us? We look for Him in service, in activism, in worship experiences - when we need only return to the here and now where He is waiting all along!

TNH: ..when Jesus broke the bread and poured the wine, He said, 'This is my body. This is my blood. Drink it, eat it, and you will have life eternal. It was a drastic way to awaken His disciples from forgetfulness.'
YY: It was also another graphic way of making the point that we must receive His sacrifice fully into ourselves to be a part of Him. He said, 'unless I wash your feet, you have no part in me.' Pride also keeps us from encountering God.

TNH: 'I am afraid this criterion (of believing in the resurrection) may discourage some people from looking into the life of Jesus.
YY: That is true.. We should not make believing in a creed an obstacle to encountering Jesus. Rather when one has touched the Living God - the resurrected Jesus is obvious to him. The creed is only an affirmation of that experience not the road to it!

TNH: We.. see... nonduality in God the Son and God the Father because without God the Father within Him, the Son could never be.
YY: Yes we often fail to see the whole Trinitarian God for the individual. The inter-being in the One God who is three is the source of all relationship and inspires us to achieve at-one-ment with self, others, creation and God. By drawing us to Himself, He mends our splintered lives and makes us One again.

TNH: Jesus lived exactly as He taught, so studying the life of Jesus is crucial to understanding His teaching.
YY: His life illustrates his teaching, and He spoke only from His own life. In the same way our lives must match our words, and we should only speak from our own experience. How easy it is to get carried away with empty rhetoric that are born out of insecurity and ambition rather than humble self knowledge.

TNH: Society is changing, people are changing, economic and political conditions are not the same as they were in the time of... Jesus.. (We need to) continue to develop as a living organism.
YY: The new movements of the Church often become the stale structures and shackles of the generation that inherits it. Cell groups helped rediscover dynamic living in the Body but today they feel more like prison cells - lacking in authenticity and spontaneity. Every generation must be brave to reinvent the way they live the spiritual life in order to remain fluid and organic - not static and lifeless.

SALIVATE!

Ever tasted something SoOOO good you felt the whole world should know about it?

Ever had a craving for that special something and just didn't know where to get it?

I've started a place for food lovers in Malaysia (wait a minute - that's the entire population) who can't get enough of it (just to make sure nobody feels marginalised here) and just want to share the good news with all the world. Come over and vote for your favorite food spots here.

Go to SALIVATE

It's Federal Day!

How wonderful to have a public holiday in the middle of the week like that. Almost like a second chance for a Sunday that wasn't quite a Sunday last Sunday.

And well deserved too! All you non-FT-ites should not be jealous or complain. We in KL deserve at least ONE DAY off for all the time we waste away crawling in traffic.

The day's been wonderful. Slept in late, had a couple of coffees, caught up on reading and dialysed my fish tank. I swear the color is brown from uremia! Decided I had some time to experiment with food - grilled some chicken tenders marinated with Italian dressing and covered with bread-crumbs. Was yummy! Ate it with my own invention of pumpkin & sunflower seed bread, which, ahem was also scrumptious.

Oh and to top it off, it rained gloriously the whole afternoon, bringing our scorching temperature down a few notches. Only when I finally crawled out of the house to drive around did I realise it had stormed and blown off half of KL's tree tops!

Chronicling the Journey

I have journals stacked up from when I was 13. Till I went paperless with my first PC and then the Palm, pen and paper was the only way to bring the deeper currents of life to the light. Today, journalling for me is a matter of scribbling on my Palm and reviewing them on the Desktop later. It's an exercise of ventilation and of making sense of the journey.

Chuck Swindoll himself has this to say: "I have been journaling for years, and the benefits are more than most would believe. A journal is a splendid way to spend time alone remembering and recording God’s dealings in my life. When I enjoy solitude, it is easy to think that those insights He reveals will stay in my mind forever. Not so. It isn’t long before they are submerged under my daily load of responsibilities and conversations."

He also shares some tips in an article on the Internet:

'As you record your experiences in your own words, you'll begin to see God's purpose working itself out in both times of peace and turmoil. Looking back over the pages, you'll see His hand in decisions made and paths taken.

As you begin your record of God's faithfulness, here are some hints to keep your journal fresh:

Write in it often. But don't feel obligated to make it a daily discipline. Some days you'll have a lot to write about. Other times, you will only need to scribble a few lines.
Keep it private. It's OK to keep this a dialogue between you and God. You'll find greater freedom to express your private struggles, and victories if no one else is going to read it.
Give yourself plenty of time. Writing brings things to mind that weren't necessarily there when you sat down. Deep spiritual insights take deep prayer and thought.
Remember that your life is significant. When you're tempted to think, "I don't have anything to write," write anyway. Your life and times are more significant than you realize. You never know how important your experiences will become.

As in any spiritual discipline, time and commitment are essential to establish the pattern of journal keeping. As this exercise becomes a natural part of your devotional life, you'll cherish both the process and record of walking with God.'

It's true that the real story only comes to light over days, weeks, even months. Every day is like a story within a larger story that is ever growing.

I envy the Abrahams and Noahs of the Old Testament. Their faith was raw and alive. They had a spirituality and community that doesn't have to be politically correct and is not artificially tied up to any institution, structure or code. Out in the desert, under the star-strewn sky, with no church, no bible, no written code. Only a heart hungering for meaning, a God to walk and talk with, all on a journey with friends - on a road travelled behind and a road unseen ahead.

Journalling is unravelling mystery. Journalling is experiencing life and God in our lives in the world that matters - the raw and real stuff of daily living.

Among Friends

I've just returned from a weekend trip to Kota Bharu. Students there had invited me to meet with them to discuss issues about Cell Groups in their student fellowship. That and an afternoon with graduating students to talk about preparing for their housemanship was the 'official' reason for my trip.

Official or not, all I intended was to meet with friends. And that I did with a minimum agenda and no expectations.

With Yoke Li & Hui Jin over noodles & coffee, hanging around after a church service, dialog with 15-odd leaders over CG issues, long conversations with my old friend Meng Hun, and an afternoon with final years in McDonald's - all were wonderful conversations. I have been deeply blessed by so much honesty and openness. Challenged by their willingness to ask difficult questions that have no answers. Humbled by their deep love for one another and for God.

My life is enriched by the intersection of so many journeys - each of us finding our own way to be true to self and God. I've learnt far more than anything I had to give.

My personal discovery is that the key to unlocking deeper connection is only this - an inner dialog. We cannot dialog honestly with others without an ongoing dialog with ourselves. We can only connect with others authentically when we are in touch with our true feelings. And we can find peace with others when we are at peace with ourselves. When we relate in this way, we are able to respond with true understanding and we are deeply enriched and renewed by every encounter.

TIME OUT!

Whoa! Stress & depression rears ugly head today.

The week has been steadily draining me. A couple of marathon lectures to take, an intricate surgery in the neck of a patient, and an ugly car accident and all the procedures that follow (police report, claims, etc. etc.)

Time to call for a TIME OUT! TRUCE. Ceasefire. Moratorium. Whatever.

No to winning fights. Nobody can win here. No to getting my opinion across. Nobody cares.

No to doing trying to achieve anything in coming trip to KB. The best I can do is be myself.

I must tell myself this - I have nothing to gain being fretful or pained or upset. And I have nothing to lose even if the world rejects and loses faith in you.

It's a good place to be - clutching on to nothing & having nothing to lose.

That's what letting go really means. Not holding on or being held by anything. That is real freedom.