Small steps forward

I am currently reading Yancey's 'More Than Words: Contemporary Writers on the Works That Shaped Them', and was delighted that the first chapter is written by Richard Foster. It's a trip back 10 years to the one person who started me on the journey of spiritual discovery.

As I read Foster, and his interaction with De Caussade, I am so struck by how they all teach and echo the same truth. From Nouwen to Merton, to Thich Nhat Hanh, all from different traditions and different times, but searching for truth in the same way. And arriving at the same conclusion: that truth, life, and even God can only be found in the present moment and in daily living.

I rejoice for this has been the joyful discovery (amid painful struggles) of the last half year. Against my activistic church upbringing and the obvious disapproval of many close friends, it has been difficult to cutback, downsize, and disappear into anonymity.

Foster declares we have a 'duty to the present moment as the place where (we) find God'. Indeed, there is no other place to be. I am learning that we cannot be fully alive dwelling in the unchangeable past or fretting over the unknowable future. And only inasmuch as we are in the present are we able to encounter God who is in the here and now.

Foster also affirms my commitment to ordinariness - shunning special positions and spectacular projects - for 'right where we are is holy ground, in the families we have been given, in the tasks we are assigned, among our neighbours and friends.' I am learning that there is joy in ordinary living - watering the plants, riding the train, chatting up a taxi driver, a leisurely lunch with colleagues, simple conversations. In each moment the holiness within everything and everyone can emerge if we would sit back and allow it to. Watch for it with the simple ease of not trying too hard to do anything - but receiving graciously and giving spontaneously.

The beauty of such living - in the present, and in ordinariness - is the joy that fills it. I am at such ease, and can be present to anyone at any time with a natural joy. How else can we bless people if we do not safeguard our inner joy? Again, Foster affirms this self-sustaining and self-justifying way of living: 'it is this that makes life bearable,.. enjoyable. It enables us to walk cheerfully over the earth!'

If I were to describe the biggest steps I've made (baby steps as it were) over the past half year, they would be:
1. A commitment to the Ordinary Life - embracing the stuff of daily living, encountering God in the day to day
2. A dedication to the Mindful Life - returning to the present moment, encountering God in the here and now
3. A return to Authenticity - recovering a self minus the play-acting of multiple roles, relating to God from who I am

A Free Man Indeed

My daily reading of the Bible has reached Gen 41. It's the point where Joseph is at last remembered and vindicated, now to a position of unimaginable height for a Hebrew slave in Egypt. It seems his life thus far has been a roller-coaster ride of intermittent dissapointments interspersed by fleeting deliverances, only to be thrown in the mud again and again.

Anyone having been dealt such an appalling hand in life would not be faulted for resentment and rebellion. Sold out by his own blood, jailed for his sexual integrity and loyalty to his boss, forgotten by recepients of his undeserved grace.

Indeed even the most moderate of sociopaths invariably have a history of protacted abuse during which his/her belief in the intrinsic goodness of mankind and the world is systematically raped. But not Joseph.

In spite of life's 'unfair hand' Joseph has kept his integrity and his faith. And even manages to be a blessing wherever he lands up. In captivity, in servitude, or in jail - he continues to bring value to his station in life. How does he do it? Wherefrom is this ability to see the big picture and believe in the significance of his role in God's plan? How does fading memories of childhood stories and idyllic dreams sustain a man through such hardening experiences?

Or could it be that the very crushing of a man yields the sweetest hope and grace? That in 'losing his life' he has gained it? By embracing death do we begin to live. In servanthood we have complete freedom. In letting go I have hands to receive.Egotism and ambition razed to the ground, he has escaped from the prison of self a free man - free from the fleshly compulsions and worldly attachments.

I wonder..

It seems life's harshest circumstances will inevitably have profound effects on our lives - but they certainly don't take away our ability to choose what they do for us.

Dangers of pedestalisation

I'm currently on a self-declared sabbatical from formal church/parachurch responsibilities.

I need it badly.

Taking on too many leadership roles for too long corrupts the way you think/feel/act.

After a while you begin to believe (perhaps subconsciously) that you have all the answers. You are constrained to think in a politically correct way, act in a manner befitting and exemplary as a leader, and you stop asking really important existential questions. The pedestal you put yourself on is a spiritually stunting place and a trap for self-righteousness.

The moment I take up something this 'leader complex' creeps back in. And a thousand other compulsions and false sense of righteousness associated with it.

Let me first be ME. A human being, trying to reclaim a wholesome life, relating to a holistic God and all of the world - people, nature, myself and others. I must say NO, withdraw from substitutes for REAL spiritual living in the ordinary life.

I want to stay away as much as possible from all things institutional and organisational. From all things hierarchical and human-worshipping.

Honestly, I feel so much more real, so human, so complete and aware of my incompleteness WITHOUT church/parachurch responsibilities

Even the land rests

The closing of 2 Chronicles is amazing. The Chronicles were written to restore identity to a rootless generation. The two volumes pressed home the message in numerous examples that the only way to live in God's benevolent reign is by trust and obedience. To their peril, Israel failed mostly. Violently and humiliatingly sacked to non-existence, at the end of the kings' reign - the chronicler points out that their 70 years of non-existence was the Sabbath rest the land never got. The land finally got to rest. Rest from what? From evil, from sin, from wars, fightings within and without, from greed and idolatry. Rest.

Rest is an intrinsic law of the Universe. A rhythm that can only be violated to our peril. And if only to teach us that, God Himself rests! Why should he ever NEED to rest? But that's the whole point. The point of rest is not so that we can work. The chief aim of rest is not work! The aim of rest is to detach us from work - so that it does not BECOME our life, that it doesn't overwhelm us, that we don't place the seat of meaning and identity in it. But that work is work, and rest is rest. Rest is for itself. It is a self-justifying institution.

There is no rest without time, space and silence from the mind and heart's frantic voicings. There is no agenda in rest. For rest to be rest and has to have no point. It is about simply being. Being with myself. With God. With nature. With one another. But there are no goals, no aims, no parameters. Just simply rest.

The ending chapters in Revelations is such a rest. When we are surrounded by the fruits of the tree of life. Eternity in every moment. The way it was in the beginning.

Church in any form

I've been trying to follow some movements on the Internet such as the Emergent Church and House Church. And I'm excited about this new wave of rediscovering what life in the Body of Christ can and should be.

I identify with and give two thumbs up for any movement that tries to:
1. Undo divisions and reclaim unity among believers
2. Reclaim authenticity of the individual and stop role-playing/play-acting in churches
3. Minimise institutional structure to allow maximum spontaneity and relationships
4. Recovers ONE unified life under ONE God of all things from our fragmented and dichotomised living


Roger in Housechurch Blog asks:
What is “the church?” Can I live the Kingdom life without the institution? What does this look like?

Fredrik in freddyblog answers, 'I absolutely think we can, but I have no idea how it looks like. I feel comfortable about not knowing it. We don’t have to know. We just have to trust and live.'

Whichever way people go - it is authentic Body Life that we must live out. I think it matters little if we did it/found it IN A church or outside of one. Wherever we are and with whomever we are we must BE the Church.

Redo Hair Day

I hustled my wife into a total hair job today. She's been so harassed and dehumanized at work lately I decided she needed something drastic - like straighten her curls and add some color to it!

We were at the saloon till long after closing time. My job? Take photos and keep a steady supply of ice cream and food. Just to keep her distracted.. Heh.

She still can't get over the total makeover.. I think she looks terrific!

But now all the male colleagues at work are offering to take her out for lunch and finish her chores for her... Great! Talk about the power of new hair!

Hospitality on the Blogosphere

I reread 'Lost in the Sea of Change' - one of my earliest pieces in which I wrote, 'All of us need people who will listen and offer others a ‘free and fearless space’ to be. When we accept each other and affirm God’s unconditional love, we can discover and pursue our true needs with confidence. Only then can we all make choices and commitments that are right and true to our heart’s cry'

Blogging has changed community and the art of connecting completely. Take a look at Messy Christian or Irene Q Unravelled and you'll know what I mean. Blogs have become places for self-discovery, journalling and above all - conversation.

And it's wonderful! There's an unstated understanding that a blog is like a home - the writer speaks his mind and heart and guests listen and respond with their own thoughts and experiences. Sometimes very thoughtfully, sometimes tongue-in-cheek. But always with respect for each other's space and place in their journey.

That's hospitality at its best - being a home and safe place for one another. Places where we can ask the unaskable and think the unthinkable. And maybe somewhere along the threads of mystery we all weave, truth will show itself to us.

Conversations with Thich Nhat Hanh

I've been reading with much joy Thich Nhat Hanh's book - Living Buddha, Living Christ. I know many well-meaning Christians would call me a heretic and burn me at the stake for even mentioning that I do (read a Buddhist monk's work.)

But he is a beautiful man with a beautiful mind. I am humbled by how insightfully he understands the Christian faith and teaches me to revere God and cherish my own spirituality more. What I would give to have a conversation with the man! Well, next to actually having one - this is what I would say if I had a chance to respond to him from him from his book...

TNH: When mindfulness is present,.. the Holy Spirit (is) already there.
YY: So true - when I live in the moment, in the here and now (not in the past or future), space is immediately opened up for God to come and dwell with us. God can only come to us in the present. The question is are we (present?). But we have to be ourself to be present. Most of the time we are someone else, someplace else, and in some other time!

TNH: ..we can put it (bread) in our mouth and chew with real awareness, not chewing anything else, such as our thoughts, our fears, or even our aspirations... this way, every meal is the Last Supper.
YY: Exactly! I've secretly practiced that - 'eating' Jesus in every meal (when I remember!). The exercise of eating is a spiritual one - always receiving in gratitude and not in greed.

TNH: The body of Christ is the body of God,.. of ultimate reality, the ground of all existence. We do not have to look anywhere else for it. It resides deep in our own being.
YY: Yes. How far must we wander to find Him who is already in us? We look for Him in service, in activism, in worship experiences - when we need only return to the here and now where He is waiting all along!

TNH: ..when Jesus broke the bread and poured the wine, He said, 'This is my body. This is my blood. Drink it, eat it, and you will have life eternal. It was a drastic way to awaken His disciples from forgetfulness.'
YY: It was also another graphic way of making the point that we must receive His sacrifice fully into ourselves to be a part of Him. He said, 'unless I wash your feet, you have no part in me.' Pride also keeps us from encountering God.

TNH: 'I am afraid this criterion (of believing in the resurrection) may discourage some people from looking into the life of Jesus.
YY: That is true.. We should not make believing in a creed an obstacle to encountering Jesus. Rather when one has touched the Living God - the resurrected Jesus is obvious to him. The creed is only an affirmation of that experience not the road to it!

TNH: We.. see... nonduality in God the Son and God the Father because without God the Father within Him, the Son could never be.
YY: Yes we often fail to see the whole Trinitarian God for the individual. The inter-being in the One God who is three is the source of all relationship and inspires us to achieve at-one-ment with self, others, creation and God. By drawing us to Himself, He mends our splintered lives and makes us One again.

TNH: Jesus lived exactly as He taught, so studying the life of Jesus is crucial to understanding His teaching.
YY: His life illustrates his teaching, and He spoke only from His own life. In the same way our lives must match our words, and we should only speak from our own experience. How easy it is to get carried away with empty rhetoric that are born out of insecurity and ambition rather than humble self knowledge.

TNH: Society is changing, people are changing, economic and political conditions are not the same as they were in the time of... Jesus.. (We need to) continue to develop as a living organism.
YY: The new movements of the Church often become the stale structures and shackles of the generation that inherits it. Cell groups helped rediscover dynamic living in the Body but today they feel more like prison cells - lacking in authenticity and spontaneity. Every generation must be brave to reinvent the way they live the spiritual life in order to remain fluid and organic - not static and lifeless.

SALIVATE!

Ever tasted something SoOOO good you felt the whole world should know about it?

Ever had a craving for that special something and just didn't know where to get it?

I've started a place for food lovers in Malaysia (wait a minute - that's the entire population) who can't get enough of it (just to make sure nobody feels marginalised here) and just want to share the good news with all the world. Come over and vote for your favorite food spots here.

Go to SALIVATE

It's Federal Day!

How wonderful to have a public holiday in the middle of the week like that. Almost like a second chance for a Sunday that wasn't quite a Sunday last Sunday.

And well deserved too! All you non-FT-ites should not be jealous or complain. We in KL deserve at least ONE DAY off for all the time we waste away crawling in traffic.

The day's been wonderful. Slept in late, had a couple of coffees, caught up on reading and dialysed my fish tank. I swear the color is brown from uremia! Decided I had some time to experiment with food - grilled some chicken tenders marinated with Italian dressing and covered with bread-crumbs. Was yummy! Ate it with my own invention of pumpkin & sunflower seed bread, which, ahem was also scrumptious.

Oh and to top it off, it rained gloriously the whole afternoon, bringing our scorching temperature down a few notches. Only when I finally crawled out of the house to drive around did I realise it had stormed and blown off half of KL's tree tops!

Chronicling the Journey

I have journals stacked up from when I was 13. Till I went paperless with my first PC and then the Palm, pen and paper was the only way to bring the deeper currents of life to the light. Today, journalling for me is a matter of scribbling on my Palm and reviewing them on the Desktop later. It's an exercise of ventilation and of making sense of the journey.

Chuck Swindoll himself has this to say: "I have been journaling for years, and the benefits are more than most would believe. A journal is a splendid way to spend time alone remembering and recording God’s dealings in my life. When I enjoy solitude, it is easy to think that those insights He reveals will stay in my mind forever. Not so. It isn’t long before they are submerged under my daily load of responsibilities and conversations."

He also shares some tips in an article on the Internet:

'As you record your experiences in your own words, you'll begin to see God's purpose working itself out in both times of peace and turmoil. Looking back over the pages, you'll see His hand in decisions made and paths taken.

As you begin your record of God's faithfulness, here are some hints to keep your journal fresh:

Write in it often. But don't feel obligated to make it a daily discipline. Some days you'll have a lot to write about. Other times, you will only need to scribble a few lines.
Keep it private. It's OK to keep this a dialogue between you and God. You'll find greater freedom to express your private struggles, and victories if no one else is going to read it.
Give yourself plenty of time. Writing brings things to mind that weren't necessarily there when you sat down. Deep spiritual insights take deep prayer and thought.
Remember that your life is significant. When you're tempted to think, "I don't have anything to write," write anyway. Your life and times are more significant than you realize. You never know how important your experiences will become.

As in any spiritual discipline, time and commitment are essential to establish the pattern of journal keeping. As this exercise becomes a natural part of your devotional life, you'll cherish both the process and record of walking with God.'

It's true that the real story only comes to light over days, weeks, even months. Every day is like a story within a larger story that is ever growing.

I envy the Abrahams and Noahs of the Old Testament. Their faith was raw and alive. They had a spirituality and community that doesn't have to be politically correct and is not artificially tied up to any institution, structure or code. Out in the desert, under the star-strewn sky, with no church, no bible, no written code. Only a heart hungering for meaning, a God to walk and talk with, all on a journey with friends - on a road travelled behind and a road unseen ahead.

Journalling is unravelling mystery. Journalling is experiencing life and God in our lives in the world that matters - the raw and real stuff of daily living.

Among Friends

I've just returned from a weekend trip to Kota Bharu. Students there had invited me to meet with them to discuss issues about Cell Groups in their student fellowship. That and an afternoon with graduating students to talk about preparing for their housemanship was the 'official' reason for my trip.

Official or not, all I intended was to meet with friends. And that I did with a minimum agenda and no expectations.

With Yoke Li & Hui Jin over noodles & coffee, hanging around after a church service, dialog with 15-odd leaders over CG issues, long conversations with my old friend Meng Hun, and an afternoon with final years in McDonald's - all were wonderful conversations. I have been deeply blessed by so much honesty and openness. Challenged by their willingness to ask difficult questions that have no answers. Humbled by their deep love for one another and for God.

My life is enriched by the intersection of so many journeys - each of us finding our own way to be true to self and God. I've learnt far more than anything I had to give.

My personal discovery is that the key to unlocking deeper connection is only this - an inner dialog. We cannot dialog honestly with others without an ongoing dialog with ourselves. We can only connect with others authentically when we are in touch with our true feelings. And we can find peace with others when we are at peace with ourselves. When we relate in this way, we are able to respond with true understanding and we are deeply enriched and renewed by every encounter.

TIME OUT!

Whoa! Stress & depression rears ugly head today.

The week has been steadily draining me. A couple of marathon lectures to take, an intricate surgery in the neck of a patient, and an ugly car accident and all the procedures that follow (police report, claims, etc. etc.)

Time to call for a TIME OUT! TRUCE. Ceasefire. Moratorium. Whatever.

No to winning fights. Nobody can win here. No to getting my opinion across. Nobody cares.

No to doing trying to achieve anything in coming trip to KB. The best I can do is be myself.

I must tell myself this - I have nothing to gain being fretful or pained or upset. And I have nothing to lose even if the world rejects and loses faith in you.

It's a good place to be - clutching on to nothing & having nothing to lose.

That's what letting go really means. Not holding on or being held by anything. That is real freedom.

Knock down to rise again

It's the weekend after a pretty high-stress week. Between lectures, track running and some late-night surgery, I've hardly had time for a breather and time for reflection and BE-ing. So I decided to make some bread (?!). Armed with flour, yeast, and a sprinkling of condiments - I am ready to create!

The machine did the kneading and knocking down. All I had to do was let it rise nicely, throw over a bunch of oats, pumpkin seeds and sesame and place the glob of dough into the oven. Then pray it rises nicely and brownly.

It's fantastic to watch yeast do its work, with a little help of heat to raise that lump of flour into a fresh and tasty loaf. It's also a nice way to celebrate the day off.. Now I can sit back, read a little, catch a snooze, and take in the agenda-lessness of the day while my bread browns and releases its fragrance to every corner of the house! yummy!

Making peace with self

I was asked to lead a home group recently and I said yes, almost without thinking. A couple of week's later I did the most difficult thing (for me, at least) - say 'NO'. I probably have enough challenges in terms of 'ministry' but it isn't that.

I need to fiercely guard my core life - having empty space and time to be. Time to come home to self and God. Time to live in the moment - aware and mindful of the present moment. Being holy as God is holy, being peace.

The larger world is my true ministry. To give of myself to all the world and also be enriched by it. To enter fully into relationship with man and nature. In so doing learning from all the world and recovering my fragmented self.

In order to be PRESENT - to self, others and God - I cannot live in a clutter of commitments and responsibilities. Each task is a voice calling me this way and that (truly like a schizophrenic and his auditory hallucinations.) Tracting to the what if's of the future & ought to's of the past. Anxiety and regret robs us from the joy of the present.

I have damaged myself so horribly in the past by taking on commitments to the max, using every minute to the fullest, driving down life's road like an F1 racer. I have used and abused myself with no regard for my soul & spirit. I have made myself an empty shell of fears, regrets, anxiety, pain and frustration.

I need to make peace with myself.

Call of the hills

My 6 months of allowed 'adjustment period' is coming to an end. And I think it really is. It's finally sunken in that I'm hear to stay. In the heart of this ultra-urban, time-squeezed, smog-choked city of stone I will make my abode. But what has also sunken in, is that I can choose how to live. I will go on whining like everybody else about how bad is traffic and how expensive is food & parking but it doesn't mean I cannot find beauty in this place.

One 'call' I've harkened to, is the call of the hills. All this while I've been looking in the direction of the city, trapped by it. Hating it yet unable to escape it. Running out of it as quickly as I can, yet returning to it again and again. Until I finally tore away and took a look in the other direction... And lo and behold, what do I see? Right in my backyard, are the highlands that makes KL a valley.

The Titwangsa Range descending into its southern tip, yielding its heights right east of the city.

The path from Pandan/Ampang to the foothills of Gunung Nuang is but 22km away. To the Gabai waterfall, 25km. Just 10km up is the lookout point where you can catch the city blanketed under a thick smog just before you leave it behind and ascend into the lush rainforest. I've started mapping out the trails, orchards, rivers and cascades. Bit by bit, I am going where the road leads, and where there is no road.

This journey of discovery has just begun. Many secrets of the forest, many treasures of the wild, remain to be found. Thank God for these pockets of nature I can retreat into every so often - to regain my sanity, restore a vision of beauty, and reinstill solitude within.

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?

The call of family

In the matter of discovering calls, one voice that resounds clearly is the call to family. I've sacrificed relationships for far too long over the past 12 years of medical studies. Throughout my academic llife, meetings with family and friends had to be planned way ahead of time. Scheduled, fitted in to my diary. Time for hanging out was scarce and rationed.

It's a terrible way to live when time for people have to give way to exams and work. It's a tragedy that most of us have to 'earn' the privilege of having time for others. It's a worse tragedy if even having arrived at a point in life when you HAVE the time you decide to squander it chasing after the next thing, the next rung in the ladder of wealth, fame and power.


It has to end somewhere. It's time to say NO, to STOP the endless spiral and choose people.

Returning to KL has given me and Joan a lot more time with our parents than we've spent in the last 10 years or so. We're making up for all the time lost. Sure, there's the adjustment problems - parents need to revise their chronological assessment of us - we're not the 18yr olds we were when we left home anymore. And we need to adjust too - they are no longer tyrants whose every word is a commandment to be obeyed but beautiful people who need our love and companionship as much as we need their guidance and affirmation of our adulthood.

I look forward to every visit home to either of our parents. And it's not just the lip-smackingly good food our mothers unfailingly whip up. It's just being with them. The moments are precious. I am constantly reminded that we don't have our parents forever, and each day with them is to be treasured. So little food-hunting trips, visits to the park together, and lots of time lounging around at home has been heart-warming and refreshing for us. I wish we had more time!

Starting over

Moving back to KL has been a difficult experience. It's ALWAYS difficult for me moving from one place to another. I remember coming home to KL in 1997 after graduating, and then to Sibu in 1999, back to KB in 2000, and now full circle back to KL last May.

Every move has been wrought with adjustment woes.

I spend the first 6 months or so hating the place, missing the familiarity of the old, irritated by everyone I come across, and wishing I was someplace else. The food was better, the people were friendlier, and life was a whole lot better 'back then' somehow. (What? The food was better in Kelantan than in KL? Are you kidding?!) OK, OK I know this is totally irrational. I can't explain it, but moving ALWAYS makes me depressed.

I've put on 6kgs since coming back - that's a sure sign of depression for me!


Maybe I have the tendency to anchor too deeply wherever I berth. And being uprooted & translocated leaves me, well, rootless and flailing, grasping for some stability and security. Basically I'm a creature of familiarity and habit. I need a place to crawl home to and take refuge. Believe that the world is essentially ok.

But it's a challenge isn't it? Following the lead of Jesus in Scripture, has always been an adventure of change. Nothing is promised - and certainly not constancy or familiarity - except His presence and guidance. All may change. Everything can go wrong. Everyone can turn against you. But the one thing that should matter most, can never change.

So while I must give myself the time to 'acclimatise' emotionally, I also have a hope. That the same God goes with me and the excitement of proving the goodness of His ways awaits every nervous step forward.

The Vicious Cycle

Depression is a terrible thing. And I'm learning to read the signs.

First I'll start craving for food I don't need and eating way out of control. Then I look for things to spend money on, crawling through the shopping mall.

Next I oversleep. Before I know it, I can't get out of bed, I can't start work in the morning, I'll overdose on coffee for the kickstart, which makes me more tired and unable to work. And so the vicious cycle continues... till something dangerous or damaging happens. People closest to me suffer the most.

Reading Archibald Hart's 'Unmasking Male Depression' has given me some insight. Before I wouldn't realise I was blue/depressed until I reached my worst. At least now I can stop myself and ask, 'Why am I overeating? Why am I sleeping so much? Am I depressed? What's going on here?' and take a first step towards healing. Nip it in the bud. Deal with the problem before it spirals out of control.

I have a long way to go in learning how to manage stress and emotions. But it's a journey worth taking.

Observing my cycles of depression, a clear pattern emerges. There is always a protracted period of stress/overwork and disregard for planned rest and reflection. Interestingly, procrastinating on work that has been planned also results in the same pit of depression. The rhythm of work and rest cannot be violated. It's true that I can't rest until I've fully worked, nor can I work without having fully rested.

Life can be a joyful balance of both work and rest, the joys of each flowing into each other. What a joy it is to learn this.

Longest 5 minutes of my life

Had my OGDS (oesophagoduodenoscopy) today. The gastroenterologist offered me sedation, but an upsurge of heroism seized me.

'I should feel what it's like for other patients. I'll tough it out,' I said courageously.

'Great!' he said and proceeded to shove a rubber hose down my throat. I gagged and retched furiously for a half minute while his assistants pinned me down, cheek flat against the sheets and mouth puckering like a goldfish. He ignored my frantic gestures that were supposed to convey, 'Pull the damned thing out you...'

Of course, like I would do with my own patients, he watched me retch, writhe and groan for a few minutes to finally ease into acceptance. After a while it simply felt like, well.. there's nothing quite like it. Deftly my innards were viewed on technicolor, photographed and biopsied. Lovely. All it took was the longest five minutes of my life!

I left chirpily with a sore throat, a photograph of my stomach and the reassurance that, 'Except for a few erosions in the antrum, there's no ulcer. Continue the medication you're taking for another 6 weeks and you'll be fine.'

Sometimes treatment of our illnesses is worse than the disease itself.